tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-365745212024-03-05T02:06:55.228-08:00dreams and other nightmaresMusings mostly, sometimes mysteriously, always inexact.like life.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-44146312934643474182014-06-10T17:48:00.002-07:002014-11-01T16:08:32.988-07:00Years of Tumultuous Truths and Silences Kept<div class="MsoNormal">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg850y4RozqvsEEbEloYKjCIA_dU9FgL4MdWm6gygUAuQN6oeAworWZ3myDo1TWAxaVXZzPc5T37oHKrM0AZNThZOP1xLE9OmU-hzH3zYuKAOg9MoEa8NTfJEqV8ZMu9GAezZXAgg/s1600/2013-02-07+22.59.28Edt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="your currency of the moment:" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg850y4RozqvsEEbEloYKjCIA_dU9FgL4MdWm6gygUAuQN6oeAworWZ3myDo1TWAxaVXZzPc5T37oHKrM0AZNThZOP1xLE9OmU-hzH3zYuKAOg9MoEa8NTfJEqV8ZMu9GAezZXAgg/s1600/2013-02-07+22.59.28Edt.jpg" height="200" title="your currency of the moment:" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">your currency of the moment:</b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This has been a year of terrible, tumultuous truths - the
kind that don't stop at lowering your jaw but relentlessly continue, right past the point of breaking, hands clutching and greedy mauls chomping your air and
the air of your dreams while demanding more than just a mere once-over, more
than the ol’ in and out and be off with ya, almost requiring the subjected one
to fall to his or her knees and proceed to lose all semblance of sanity.<br />
<br />
You
know this truth, this bedeviled kindness - Big muscled half-truths that cruise
the back alleys of your psyche waiting for that moment when they can pounce, like
cats nimbly-pimbly unsuspectingly, relentlessly mugging, slamming into bone and
flesh the same, fish dinners and T-bone steaks, extracting all previous truths
that pass as your currency of the moment, stopping only when all hope and all
beliefs are stomped, trampled and hopeless.
Left to yer’ own devices, all breath gone, all eyes on the calling in
the night for your mommy even though you haven't thought (really) of the fuck that
took her in years, finally having her memory all to your recollecting alone in
the middle of terrible, terrible times...but somehow you come to the conclusion that you're all the better for knowing
you’re together in the everywhere through the thick and the thinner.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWxeLG1_duDI6b-Gvl0vvmYqtoQFdbmUGruCypzTSUpjRLf-srefDG7bGcdRqGuPdzgjjdbqkCec_81WWQ7PMHR4zs5t4NgIr3B5teljRRofYkgyo440yel-0vQJn59FDb2sv5gQ/s1600/2013-02-07+22.20.3200Edit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWxeLG1_duDI6b-Gvl0vvmYqtoQFdbmUGruCypzTSUpjRLf-srefDG7bGcdRqGuPdzgjjdbqkCec_81WWQ7PMHR4zs5t4NgIr3B5teljRRofYkgyo440yel-0vQJn59FDb2sv5gQ/s1600/2013-02-07+22.20.3200Edit.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
Then you're yelling that you're sorry but you don't even know what
you're fucking sorry for, just that you all want this here and now bullshit to stop, this
avalanche of despicable lies and deadly faces half-laughing you to tears but you
can't fucking take it, you won’t, not any more so you find yourself at the
end of a long, dank shaft and those beliefs are pocketed by thugs with nimble
fingers skull doddering your soul from the inside to the zipper sounds and
button snaps of those who are about to use you up, those who dwell where no one
else can get at (yes, the ones in your
head, mother fucker), the ones who be never obtained again, even if the most
skilled surgeon could be called to the scene, lights flashing, sirens blaring,
a regular Rescue 911 situation. Sitting
there, half shitting here, imagining a proper send off, the unspeakable
speaker crackles to laugh, crackles to death, “..roger, this fuck is fucked,”
says the man child with last nights depravity on his breath, “..fucking bloody
hell this one, don’t think it’s worth trying to put humpty dumpty back together
again..” And then the voice is gone like it weren’t ever there to begin with, gone
like memory in blue bottle dime store liquor but that inner self that you
relied all these years says otherwise, she don’t say much but it’s otherwise
for certain. <br />
<br />
<i>You know like you’ve known
it yer’ whole life, you’ll never be like them because you can’t stand anythin’,
the fucking same again – ever again. </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>These are the truths I wrestle with each time I sit down to
dinner with ghosts, meals of seconds at a time of crazy, bat shit scary - sometimes
emerging triumphant and eager to face the next one, some so devastating that
further inspection and reflection simultaneously fucks you as you’re fucking
the thought of it, ordered as required and feared as loved. </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0urlrdLZFSL6n5wLrKoSmk5FFllNqYhKB3SRRDsw9kcvHnu9BLIG8KH_fI5D6pqYk6OW-mrdQYNg0Am8XCImDFZ0u-JSqIzyJVvv9zquRM7tmNTDepnkbSrtwIEQTuzgbPp9SvQ/s1600/2013-02-07+22.52.32Edt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0urlrdLZFSL6n5wLrKoSmk5FFllNqYhKB3SRRDsw9kcvHnu9BLIG8KH_fI5D6pqYk6OW-mrdQYNg0Am8XCImDFZ0u-JSqIzyJVvv9zquRM7tmNTDepnkbSrtwIEQTuzgbPp9SvQ/s1600/2013-02-07+22.52.32Edt.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
I am not the me I thought I was- nor are you, the sometimes
benign paused in the shadow of passerbys, the sometimes first billed star in my
perception of reality, the you I once was so solidly sure you were someone I
could trust implicitly. Then the dirt
filled in the fine lines betwin’ us, o’er the sound of night slapped the bitch
out of the light and these black and blue bruise lines have been crossed and
checker-boarded most, fateful the judgments that have been broken and remade in
the same cloth but with a different understanding, blood runs rivulets of words
in my stead. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
“I can honestly say,” says
the voice inside, “..I can say without a doubt, certain as I am without, I will
never look at things the same way again, because after exceeding round three and moving onto the heavyweight carpet of division with big arms and wrestling,
I am slowly learning to let it go, slowly learning to see my opponents side,
slowly learning to ignore my instinct of pure rage and back the fuck up.” There are places that seem to say what I’m
looking for, the look of things that make no more over than, the hissing of
wind to dismiss those snap judgments and - to reiterate - LET IT GO.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have become adept at spotting the problems of those around
me, as well as my own. I just can’t seem to solve them, for all the worry
they’ve brought me, not knowing what’s worse, the seeing or the not being able
to choose them. I am learning to
pinpoint my faults and apply amateur psychology with accurate precision, to
carve away the indecision and laughing faces in the dark, to chop and hammer
and cleave them the better as to think this is it, this is all of it. But I ain’t no closer to learning what I have
yet to learn is me, this game of shadows that the me I've always known to be me is somehow a dealer of good intentions with piss poor consequences, call em' a cheater's hand in a room full of cheaters with or
without scruples to do anything right ever again. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Despite my pride (albeit, short lived and totally misplaced)
at being able to do so, i must finally admit that I am only n’ the first stages
of becoming - and this "milestone" i thought i had come to is really
just a dip in the fucking road. So in order to fully understand myself, I will
attempt to recreate for you this past year of mine, but keep in the back of
your chagrin, way way back in the hall closet of your imagining, a little bird
of misremembering in a cage made out of forgivery – that thing we allow and manufacture,
that forgiving as to forgery-ing, the mind that shapes the ultimate truth – we’re
all floating in the either of boiling water, way down to nothing but anecdotal
fodder...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPGFcOY1cAcK8a_qz5EnClYiP5Q5A7qUllE62pDVbrawhnemNSTMiYUX1eM7akLgsyP-7FZjqNzq_B8GJ8_ZfXEeH8DmKnGwkFZWuY4M5QMLPMcb68u6CsuF18qi9usg2c_D0LwQ/s1600/2013-02-07+22.13.20Edt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPGFcOY1cAcK8a_qz5EnClYiP5Q5A7qUllE62pDVbrawhnemNSTMiYUX1eM7akLgsyP-7FZjqNzq_B8GJ8_ZfXEeH8DmKnGwkFZWuY4M5QMLPMcb68u6CsuF18qi9usg2c_D0LwQ/s1600/2013-02-07+22.13.20Edt.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
...don’t do this but this is cool, the ISMS of the preacher in the school
of the school of your earliest education, the preached is to preach as cauterized is to socialized – you know
the know that is the pretend kindness, the fake of faking where you're three sheets to the wind and out of
your skin but you show-enough look good doing it because you don't give a rats fucking ass if your audience is heard -- you’ve
got a better story before the last word and goddammit you're gonna just go ahead
and watch them point your finger and show you how you’ve been wrong all your
life and laugh. Because when you can't cry you gotta show some damn awful emotion from the inside or they win, don't they? They ask then demand with pretty please and sugar on top and you listen yet again to these stupid stories that even
you don't believe anymore. That’s the
boil, the rapidly - that's all that will be matter-factly, down to nothing
more, nothing less. For the one thing I am certain of is - nothing in this
world actually means anything.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_jYk3uWtOW1m87KMDUJ3ffXkU3FqA6ybNhRLZBOMq9FY9HKkPXjjSodkvK3C_zwIJSbjq4kmED872fMmvgWaUZ7J7wK-u2BoLfXzX2I_7e6Bu_IhoWdLDjv8XWe_GzCRfM92edw/s1600/2013-02-07+22.20.32Edt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_jYk3uWtOW1m87KMDUJ3ffXkU3FqA6ybNhRLZBOMq9FY9HKkPXjjSodkvK3C_zwIJSbjq4kmED872fMmvgWaUZ7J7wK-u2BoLfXzX2I_7e6Bu_IhoWdLDjv8XWe_GzCRfM92edw/s1600/2013-02-07+22.20.32Edt.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
And then that little voice pipes up, all quiet and not, almost squeaks if it weren't so damn weak:<br />
<br />
"…of course I remember you, they’re my stories too, not all
but some, at least a few, OK mostly however distantly, always cared about catastrophe,
even colored fire..."<br />
<br />
To which I can only say you never said whether you think He ever gave me more than I
could handle...and liked the results.<br />
<br />
[For S]<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-14752839773492538022014-05-24T10:27:00.001-07:002014-05-24T10:27:52.005-07:00Sometimes all you want to do is run. <div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Until you run. </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhes2BpvfRz3I1LhAkNMK4WO82AZxZLqIV5AsBX1MlHfv0hUg4GMD8omglk0s1QVJq2UFRCWMv-XBMEa4C5DfKTgC5yjUxgwUPGx73154hCNHAYy2Yma4BAMVHTCcwcTeIPdppaVg/s1600/FDQFBcoverV2BnoIcon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhes2BpvfRz3I1LhAkNMK4WO82AZxZLqIV5AsBX1MlHfv0hUg4GMD8omglk0s1QVJq2UFRCWMv-XBMEa4C5DfKTgC5yjUxgwUPGx73154hCNHAYy2Yma4BAMVHTCcwcTeIPdppaVg/s1600/FDQFBcoverV2BnoIcon.jpg" height="147" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It doesn't matter if your legs weigh a ton
and your feet have sores on top of sores, toes bent and irregular, misshapen
discolorations people say is nothing no matter how much time they spend staring
at them. The thought appears like dawn
light in the slightest cracks in your sky.
From a dark room you can’t help but search for it, scan and retest the
distance between the doors and windows since the last time you opened them. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Calculations escalate to near random numerical
values that both make sense and leave you utterly breathless. </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Finally after years of seconds have elapsed,
collected in a pool of infinite reason, swirled like a cocktail of colorless
sins, it all resumes in heaping quantities of purposefulness that erodes the
senses and leaves you questioning the universe. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-60871884308084882422013-10-27T11:36:00.003-07:002014-11-01T15:22:14.977-07:00September Trials and the Misdemeanors of Family <div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I get around to finding you </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
among the empty automobiles and vacant buildings, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
the groves that will surely shrivel and die- </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I might have a bottle of beer with me </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
to chase the memories of yesterday </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
that refuse to join the sky.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I used to look forward to seeing you,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
the way you held my hand </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
and spoke to me about making </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
something of myself.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now I sit down in my usual place </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
and I watch words become pictures inside my head,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
the last image of the
ceiling before the lights go out,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
a glimpse of the neighbor next door in skimpy panties </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
calling her dog from the back porch.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Once in awhile things turn into something</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
gentle reminders that the moments matter,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
the beginning and the ending of what we think and how we
struggle</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
to change the unchangeable, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
how we put together little
pictures from broken memories </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
hope of doing more </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
or doing less </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
than
yesterday. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
September 30th, 2000</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
..and you were gone.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-85449476234741000232013-10-21T17:05:00.000-07:002014-11-01T15:23:14.428-07:00journal entry full of silences<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcxLtn0EcZB1hSfFrAi_GZe6KK3B6OAVvw9sMHr_C-UnIZAjBJEIQkjXVjmQOJ6mWCsxralwIhJ2MrXRiwWaCxfay-dWcaV4D1Su2CiYwdO1VOMxhfuK99R9uOdyNmEtDkaq95pA/s1600/Camera+Effects-1358038425507.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcxLtn0EcZB1hSfFrAi_GZe6KK3B6OAVvw9sMHr_C-UnIZAjBJEIQkjXVjmQOJ6mWCsxralwIhJ2MrXRiwWaCxfay-dWcaV4D1Su2CiYwdO1VOMxhfuK99R9uOdyNmEtDkaq95pA/s1600/Camera+Effects-1358038425507.jpeg" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<h3>
This started out as something else, another journal entry
full of silences, words to capture the unrelenting, this unimaginable falling
down quiet. Then I realized putting this here is sorta fruitless, like
fig trees and pomelos sliding thin branches full of Autumn, destined for mud
and wintry skies, lost in pie plates and conversations so very nearly soon to be forgotten. </h3>
<h3>
<br />If I
write about the exquisite depravity you might think it insufferable, if I write
about the debauchery of pain to ruin your face from ever smiling again, you're certain
to call it the exaggerations of far away malingerers, too busy with your prejudice to right
your wrongs, too busy with your sense of superiority to be willing to acknowledge there is no excuse for a defense comprised of lies and abuse. </h3>
<h3>
<br />You cannot escape punishment yourself with
something less permanent, however awkward, however necessary the slaughter of
the innocent. </h3>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-51710393660466622602013-09-01T15:40:00.000-07:002014-11-01T15:25:09.766-07:00The change of arrival, the beginning of fall <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.atv.com/gallery/gallery.php/d/33579-3/IMG_Drive.jpg?g2_GALLERYSID=TMP_SESSION_ID_DI_NOISSES_PMT" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.atv.com/gallery/gallery.php/d/33579-3/IMG_Drive.jpg?g2_GALLERYSID=TMP_SESSION_ID_DI_NOISSES_PMT" height="179" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px;">
Soon comes the Autumnal Equinox, the change of arrival, the beginning of Fall leading to the dark of Winter. It is the mysterious qualities of Fall that offer us lessons to live by and practices to support dreams. Open to change, willing to give in to all, we can embrace the great wide open knowing that it suggest the coming of Autumn is where we'll find newness in every direction. </div>
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px;">
Autumn reminds me of the impermanence of everything. I have experienced the greatest joys of life and love as much as incredible tragedy. I know only what was and what might be, this endearing Spring and the flowerings of Summers held wide and freely populated with friends and neighbors. Now leaves fall and bare branches scratch Bay breeze skies, fluttering shapes in sprained browns and savage reds remind me of the fleeting nature of all things. </div>
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px;">
Fall also brings every day to the fullest, possibility near and hope in practice to facilitate movement, to set bridges upside down before they hold us there forever. And then, when I woke this morning, I turned again with the happiness of knowing, 'I'm still here!'</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-46544375317344506612013-08-31T15:33:00.000-07:002014-11-01T15:26:00.461-07:00Central San Joaquin Valley Remembering Those Roadside Confessionals of Doubt<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQDNzQ0DLYkmyQ58pCW5hJa9RnZMV_t1kbtfe5fSkhZlwtbnckGP-BSW8iE9JyKdI9ZhKcw8usmaSVJARrnadYwJwDgUZsuZlO0AViZpG530oLb_oqgZfnDkEZi6y-Uwi_koezWw/s1600/DSCN0373.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQDNzQ0DLYkmyQ58pCW5hJa9RnZMV_t1kbtfe5fSkhZlwtbnckGP-BSW8iE9JyKdI9ZhKcw8usmaSVJARrnadYwJwDgUZsuZlO0AViZpG530oLb_oqgZfnDkEZi6y-Uwi_koezWw/s640/DSCN0373.JPG" height="640" width="480" /></a></div>
<h2>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I should just plan on writing
every time I get to thinking:</span> I miss the nothing
that comes from roadside confessionals<span style="font-weight: normal;">, having been once or twice in my life consumed by knowing, fingering the change between my pocket and thigh, knowing it comes at all hours of the day and night, sometimes not at all except for the escape ship clause and last minute prayers - sometimes you're the victim of circumstances and other times you're the cause.</span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm the owner
of a dead Chevy Nova
I've been hauling around since
Florida
left a lasting mark on over, </span>strained attempts don't win
they just get in the way of tangled sins<span style="font-weight: normal;">, after the fall it was all down hill, no matter where you end up you've got someplace to call home. All they say when they say it at all is the first place grin is so close to losing you might as well love it instead, doomed before ever getting to begin.</span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">There are hours inside that might try if not for my guts, swollen rivers
rock hard shores that give my mouth the perfect air to cut deep grooves in desert air
lips, fine lines and cracked bleeding is the despair of powder-red-ruche stings from those central San Joaquin valley remembering, m</span>y desperate roadside confessionals of doubt.</h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Through air and </span>every thought there is<span style="font-weight: normal;">, time consumes the sanctity of dreaming, no moon or midnight believing there's healing in believing anything you can prove.
Maybe the like is like that old man Friday, that dead man with bulging cheeks of dirty ditch water thirst, maybe his fear made me afraid <u>not the one last time he got to steal from familiar strangers. </u> </span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I should think, splayed
prying eyes to pick apart like black mouth cauls at the ready, scavengers perched in hard black plastic
wood veneer, "looky that, where'd it go?" the voice squawks, light reflecting stares
no room for friends or family time. <i>It's in the dust of remembering that my mind gets to settling</i>, those famous plastic ferns and fake flower bouquets that need someone to fill up the cemetery holes, the cover up for the being
empty cup where dreams go down to sleep and memories take us back just like that</span>.
</h2>
<div>
<h2>
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><i>I should just plan on writing every time I get to thinking I miss the nothing that comes from roadside confessing. </i> </span>I'd be better off every once or twice a life, to let go, get consumed in knowing change ain't nothing at all<span style="font-weight: normal;">, no hours of the day or night can make them, shaken; sometimes you escape and sometimes you are a victim the circumstances of alone.</span></h2>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-18313834954334159212013-08-11T23:55:00.000-07:002014-11-01T15:26:55.451-07:00Nicotine and Coffee Stains the Fingers<h3>
<b>Nicotine and coffee stains the finger..</b></h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
teeth discolor the view of Sunday morning </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
excuses, the subtle urges to
have or pretend to feel</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
urges to know edges begin and end, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
urges to alter sin</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
otherwise we're lost</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
capable the view of the supercilious sound </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
this macabre sense of nature with no
real understanding of tomorrow </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
boundaries resound inside and outside the
room,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ovaries for my discontent, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Luteoma my illness, analogous to sin.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have
no real desire to quit or to salvage my shattered shell, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
brief and sooner, now or later </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
sounds and
imagery tell me </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
everyone and nothing means success and failure</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
the greatest feat is to believe in the hereafter, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
however fleeting the salvation of knowing </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
what happens after this, doing for the self, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
masturbating the mind before someone else can.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m just like you in that regard, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
a player of players, a
mask that serves a single purpose </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
doing to get the day going, night moves toward order. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
words ahead of the lost way people forget why </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
they are here, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
children are less critical
and that is good </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
older people are more critical and that too is good.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Afraid of fitting in and not fitting in </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
when </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
none of
this could possibly matter </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
the end is near and dreams aren’t </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
predictions, specifically simple slices of things </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
how seldom distract but always
adhere </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
these moments of years.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<b>Nicotine and coffee stains the fingers as </b>teeth discolor<br />
Sunday morning excuses<br />
buttered subtle urges to have<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
urges to believe </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
urges to understand the consequences, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
the greatest hereafter, however fleeting the salvation of knowing what happens after this, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
these boundaries </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
inside and outside </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
analogous to fingertips.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Assuming - sometime in March 1999</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-6785203325747191122013-08-08T14:45:00.000-07:002013-08-08T14:45:19.384-07:00Only those who suffer the most appreciate the bitter truths and consequences of lies<div class="MsoNormal">
Only those who suffer the most appreciate the bitter truths
and consequences of lies, the flavored thoughts of inaction mingling with
tear-stained shoulder blades, jacket pocket lint beards waiting to hang up in really red lipstick smears…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Only those who believe we must like one another and can't truly understand our unmistakable differences, the unimaginable of knowing the totality of ruin, these questions that
suggest to be free is to let go completely, to make it last a little less is to
take the chains off and freefall, almost always destined to disappear, the
magic of fear…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The burden of immeasurable pain and lasting beauty; to fall
is to see that standing is what it is, neither good or bad but for proximity to sun, warmth on the face, lightness on the soul, words that
color our every waking moment in the ether of dreams, the ephemeral joys of
personal happiness that can neither be conveyed or felt completely, breathing
freely, setting out into the oceans of regret and satisfaction. What is here and now, in this seconds at a
time of all that our life is or ever will be, it is here that we must realize
we cannot change the unchangeable but grow, be that person we have always
dreamed of being, stronger, wiser, less intent on over stylizing our misery for
those that 'get it' have it nearest and those that don't or can't or won't ever
understand don't need to anyway. Because
death is coming anyway we have all the power of the universe to face it, no
smile at tears to justify hot wind between us, anything but open arms willing and ready and
ok with the next great step in this life and the next, even if only in the
memories of those we leave behind.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Only those who suffer the most appreciate the bitter truths
and consequences of thought and action, to believe is to begin to understand
the unimaginable, to question is to let go, a little, of the chains that bind,
the burden of immeasurable pain and lasting beauty; to fall is to see that
standing is what it is, neither good or bad but for the proximity to the sun,
warmth on the face, lightness on the soul, words that color our every waking
moment in the ether of dreams, the ephemeral joys of personal happiness that
can neither be conveyed or felt completely, breathing freely, setting out into
the oceans of regret and satisfaction. <br />
<br />
What is here and now, in this seconds at a time of all that our life is
or ever will be, it is here that we must realize we cannot change the
unchangeable but grow, be that person we have always dreamed of being,
stronger, wiser, less intent on over stylizing our misery for those that 'get
it' have it nearest and those that don't or can't or won't ever understand
don't need to anyway. Because death is
coming anyway we have all the power of the universe to face it, no smile or
tears to justify anything but to open your arms willing and ready and ok with
the next great step in this life and the next, even if only in the memories of
those we leave behind.<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-68281654933053577362013-07-23T18:50:00.003-07:002013-07-23T18:50:57.227-07:00This is for you in your forgettable blue<b>There just never ever seems like the right time to catch up after you've blown through..</b><br />
<br />
Maybe it's because of all the unsettling and dusty trap doors slamming, me getting back up from flat on my butt, remembering how and why and what, not when so I can pretend, but so I deliver the good news that old friends seem so ready to consume, condemn, confusingly slim...and then I get lost rambling on my way to fumbling for words to say, I mean write, how you feel about my feelinglessness when all I can do is sigh, one, two..<br />
<br />
Ever notice how far away dreams feel the morning right after, that their lip-smackin' thrill goes cold, gone in a flash, red skin faded like your last happy pill ated, the soda cracker diet in the quiet, shoosh, it's OK, nobody is waiting for safety tape shaping..it's in and kind of quick, this no man's land fantasy strip..<br />
<br />
The spiderweb effects of the dead and dying phone book debts, impossible missions never meant to be a condition of my condition, who needs schooling when living on wind, the happily ever after believing you're right when you're wrong, so wrong..<br />
<br />
You can't go on, telling people what you want them to feel or you can and did, hardly a substitute kid, knowing what you paid for and when, prostitutes and old men selling sin, no wind, wares on you their wearing through, two-dollar whiskey breath kisses stuck to the glasses, you hold on and I'll own the cloud, no reason we can't get our every ridiculous wish, unless lost we're back to that, caution tape outlines and chalk white mustaches..your the bruised and butter-rum-glue, gotta go now to believe you'll leave your nightstick know-how..<br />
<br />
There just never ever seems like the right time to catch up, still. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-72933218067341856112013-07-16T12:02:00.000-07:002013-07-16T12:02:04.807-07:00reprieve rescindedI've been here before
<i>postponed.</i>
reprieve rescinded.<br />
<br />
Tried almost anything
cause I can't stand a sure thing,<br />
wedding silver circle edges
make frayed friendship braces,<br />
five will get you ten
remembering<br />
dime store Peechee folders and discount sticker prices<br />
metal spirals bite
dawn-colored smiles
on bargain hunters knees<br />
rustle-busted pages of my notebook disease.<br />
<br />
Tried almost anything
cause I can't stand pretending<br />
razor blade lines make my forearm alarms<br />
half-page tries and finger black stains<br />
prick cursive edges to make great letter crashes<br />
this country slide for another cop car chase<br />
poor boy white knuckle opera and ditch bank fights<br />
burning red and blue cop car lights<br />
remembering<br />
I've got time for believing<br />
in the sweet hereafter but not before disaster<br />
grape vine lines
and razor blade arms<br />
stippled apple orchards make believe<br />
sending beguiled believers heaved almond breeze<br />
the dead and dying of bottleneck flies<br />
torn on summer morning sunrise.<br />
<br />
I know you've been here before,
poised and ready<br />
drink in hand and thoughts a-many<br />
around or about the good old days<br />
people forget what made them pray<br />
dreams pushed ahead of other dream plays<br />
sketchy blankets in the backseat chapel<br />
smelling of old Chevy super sport nova.<br />
<br />
But I'm forgetting again.<br />
you've only just begun<br />
the descent<br />
positioned bent<br />
family
strangers in
awkward silences<br />
Nowhere near spoken promises-<br />
Been here before<br />
<i>postponed:</i><br />
reprieve rescinded.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-53457871820230230342013-05-16T15:20:00.000-07:002013-05-16T15:46:09.935-07:00Almost Always Is Sometimes True<div style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3vVWkNlgR_bWM3AaEQBQj9HZTvlAaYOLdU79gA68QdZ16Azss67wv_OZeTr5z8zVU2JA8I0dWuciTGc810CZFL3sdbiWy5nOUB_k3zHeyP9_q-CP7SYxXhlmdoqni4ECB_lhZ_w/s1600/AlmostAlwaysIsSometimesTrueDSC_1436.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3vVWkNlgR_bWM3AaEQBQj9HZTvlAaYOLdU79gA68QdZ16Azss67wv_OZeTr5z8zVU2JA8I0dWuciTGc810CZFL3sdbiWy5nOUB_k3zHeyP9_q-CP7SYxXhlmdoqni4ECB_lhZ_w/s320/AlmostAlwaysIsSometimesTrueDSC_1436.jpg" /></a> </div>
<br />
<br />
I should write on sunset air<br />
instead of grieving India ink tears<br />
half-fingered shapes make nightshade grins<br />
caught on the silver of my razor blade sins. <br />
<br />
They say, the many ways<br />
you can't leave until you go<br />
bruised colored masks don't cover lies indigo<br />
tattered kite tails make paper tigers<br />
worn smooth promises that last forever.<br />
<br />
I can't go back is tomorrow's news<br />
certainty won't cast this spell over you<br />
half-hearted promises are sure to die<br />
blue tides sell your sand colored eyes.<br />
<br />
<br />
Make-believe memories heal today's wounds<br />
<div>
Almost always is what's sometimes true</div>
<br />
Chevy Nova back seats<br />
<br />
made of you.<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-77802873700005885022013-04-19T13:42:00.002-07:002013-04-19T13:42:38.611-07:00toasting like we had long lives ahead of usI remember this one time, it was Friday sliding into night after a week of Mondays, San Joaquin Valley beginnings with the perfect moon light for one those endless teenage weekends. We had gotten into a fight days before, some triviality of brothers 11 months apart, set out in opposite directions so we could let time and distance make wrong right again. I can't picture the driving and walking it, which of us had wheels or worn even shoes, his 67 Pony or my 63 Nova – the burgundy one before I rolled it a bakers dozen – but one of us was there and the other showed up, crazy how we found the same walnut orchard bonfire party a million miles from sobriety.
Clean getaway-views in all directions, country-wide night inviting, beers in cans that don’t break or chatter to pieces at hundred mile-an-hour cop car clashes. And there we were, backed into a corner, just him and me, sleeves rolled to elbow throws and these Clovis rodeo boys pushing in after T gave one of their girlfriends what she was looking for.
Smiles bent to breaking, fists, busted knuckles and black-eye scarecrow rows in our caterwauling – we road the red and blue lights all the way out of sight, laughing at our pummeled disguises, three-quarters of a case of half-cold beer snatched up for later between us, <i>toasting like we had long lives ahead of us</i>.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-40463728588880525702013-02-13T09:08:00.005-08:002013-02-13T09:08:52.983-08:00Your Personal LotteryBad news comes in ways, turning, lightning strikes and after hour showers of your thoughts falling down hard, plenty too, black and blue inside doorway places better left to miles and memories instead of dinner table faces too many, angry hands in the shape of angry men forcing you to believe again in dreaming away your worries when stone cold places made of mud and yarn fashion travel better than you ever could.
Destined for crawling, broken toes and death throws with all the things unsaid and undone, this here and now nowhere near down and out - or used to.
Here listening, listlessly pretending, stop signs ending in trees bleeding red and blue professionals, cops and robbers confessionals from the back seat betwixt metal and hard plastic, mesh made for protection only it does a better job of hurting, common sense unbecoming promises spent, looking back over years between "I don't know what" and "
I'm lucky to have someplace to get caught" any more than "I've been living in the shadows of your personal lottery" and the misery settles in like pebbles and stones, cold, calm, forever.
News comes in ways made good and other by the receiver, sometimes by the leaver, in increments of forever, tomorrow always a bite size breath just as good as now because it's twenty four hours away from having to believe in someone pushing you to falling down. Knowing is what tells you that no one is stopping them from sending me off into the never-never land of no return.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-48621181599651785792013-02-09T09:31:00.002-08:002013-02-09T09:31:40.454-08:00Red Bills and Car Registration BluesMailbox rattle, metal flip lid crackles the addict who clicks his ears, pricks the drum louder as the fat fingered sad sack makes his way, elbow room doorway courtesy, knee to hip pirouette à la seconde and off, off and away goes the letter carrier government soldier making yesterdays out of circles of today. The addict finds the same pattern to be confusing so he forgets sooner or later, lost in the shuffle of neighborhood clatter beyond the din of his crooked reading glasses. Maybe the sad sack would be happier company but he won't come in because the addict won't ask him, content on musing about the delivery driver of smiles instead so he could steal one to wear for a while, a funny lip shape with a Charlie Chaplan bristle brush mustache disguise, a smile and a long whipper snapper stash, curly edges poking holes in donuts and coffee, a guise to make him company instead of surly, welcome when he brings us sunshine and candy bar colored good times rather than red bills and car registration blues.
The addict knows only that it is better to be up, however slight the step than down, mired, sticky tennis shoes and bubblegum semi-circle greetings, humdrum collecting meaning lock-step in day time being, burdened by lowered sensibilities; deadpan, bloodshot and clotted veins fat with lethargy, blame and remorse. It is better to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortunes than convince yourself you’ve got other ways, other kinds of words with which to bloviate, busted lips almost mustering the courage to go on when empty rooms call out your name, same filled with cold, stale air, same alone with a different face. It’s almost not quite ready made smooshed up silly, lacking all possible expressions but one – the slack-jawed, cheery cheeks of rosy contentment that comes on hard, sometimes simplified, the ownership of jacked up, the cracked up in two, three, four - nowhere near ordinary any more.
The Adderall baby knows how to breathe amphetamine dreams, dextroamphetamine psycho-social beehive believing in the higher power of altered states, play dates with strangers across the many magnitudes of saviors who’ve been there or worse, never known flat on your face homes, preaching to the choir of crumpled desires where we have all gone off on our own, lost combs and lawnmower moans, people who used to ask but don’t any more, knowing it is better to have remembered the good times instead of replacing them with all this penny arcade daytime soap opera charade.
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-42943108342918795082013-02-04T10:18:00.003-08:002013-02-04T10:31:15.423-08:00Old Woman's Legs and Dangerous Grins<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilsAOHwvCxrqgwyV6AEcb_tPA_Bpk4KU6TDCyLfykWJt0T9kaYtrl739253eFeJ9N0bRPnEffI5hWBT6Ss6gMThlXMeMsnI52SW-DESlV9JZZDtAD6tc-hb48MBAZngWTmDyI5rg/s1600/tippy2011-10-16+16.32.43.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="320" width="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilsAOHwvCxrqgwyV6AEcb_tPA_Bpk4KU6TDCyLfykWJt0T9kaYtrl739253eFeJ9N0bRPnEffI5hWBT6Ss6gMThlXMeMsnI52SW-DESlV9JZZDtAD6tc-hb48MBAZngWTmDyI5rg/s320/tippy2011-10-16+16.32.43.jpg" /></a></div>
Each morning we play tug-o-war,
backyard long throws and shorter ones at the Border Collie speedway.
She finds her place at my side, at the ready,
her big brown eyes locked on mine, the ancient lore of wolf theology, the wild ever present,
always leading and trailing edges in flight and landings.
She holds on to the worn squirrel toy, bares down with her big incisors,
settles her weight in proportion to the force she will need to best me at our everyday ritual.
She's gentle and determined like her life depends on winning and I don't let on that I know or let her win too easily, her needing to prove her place in our family as mother center, as the hub from which we all turn on this life's journey.
I give her the time to take all my time,
to root me there,
to fend off Sky who comes and goes on rocket-ship toes,
his Border Collie pursuits of circles unending but specific - only the pink one will do,
he prepared to run forever plus one more,
frothy maul wet in waiting
and there we are
the three of us
lost in the eternity of seconds.
She always wins
but not right off
not letting on that I know she has to win,
we need her to win as much as she does,
to keep on winning,
and eventually on the last tug of the last war,
once more and
she pulls away the winner,
eyes beaming, words praising, "you are strong, you are tippy"
I say, soft and resolute.
She smiles, gulping crisp morning air,
savoring it, our wolf mother center
standing tall on old woman's legs with dangerous grins
for tomorrow.
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-79346013804888885792012-12-23T11:23:00.002-08:002012-12-23T11:23:55.989-08:00Toll Booth Holidays It’s Christmas time but not Christmas, the Thursday before the Friday when my whole world turns blue, black-bruised, faces cracked through, my eyes lose to swells and skinned knees leave lips busted where sidewalk scuffs show carpet struggles against every excuse to leave and never believe. Ten year old boys know how to lie, smile to make people think they don't cry sometimes, easier gone the other way than said out loud, felled instead, down when you can’t stand walking out one more time. It's no good, the good of temporary salvation when dawn brings the senses back and sobriety makes car keys find locks driving at all hours in the dark of trying...sighing. Roads know that in order to go to and fro you have to know hospital emergency room glows, the taste of jail cell metal bars ringing closed and sneakers sliding across linoleum shiny floors. Lonely knows only that grocery store orange makes shelves all the same color except the stock you already forgot, children during the unbearable reason you're glad you didn't keep yours when you stopped bleeding.
Filled to choking, chimney black smoke knowing this way that don't have anything to do with having, normal knowing you don't own nothing, no prepubescent identity crisis when someone don't come around after your adolescence got robed to pay rent so you can watch your nighttime soaps so adults don’t make wallboards crack, leave lasting impressions, body shots and permanent blues that don’t survive no matter how much we block them out inside. It's them lines not the lines connecting times that make kids the kids in other peoples living room pics, kids doing the work of picking up after storms have chased men under the spell of cop-light-red and might not be-blue scattered in wet wood fruit orchards black with rain and misremembering. It's the cord wood in my memory of stacked wood like staircases to the hereafter of family battles taking lives much later, the victims of circumstances in the muddy soon after when talking tries to make the happening black not right another time talking about the same hiding.
The more you make it less the harder it is to be Christmas, the less lights make warm rooms inviting and, stuck on remembering the harder it is for take-offs, replaced with crash landings. The less you count the clock the more time there is to move in a little closer, let go a little farther, enjoy five feet and rising, not ten will get you twenty for reminiscing, held up at toll booth holidays that don't make change this time of year.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-85275678529470439702012-11-20T11:44:00.000-08:002012-11-20T11:44:10.379-08:00Some elated..others still worried about the future.Fortunately you came with the power, red hot heat where I never thought I'd be warm again, words wet-wrinkled forehead colored answers for the Jeopardy of unmanned disasters. I imagine the same people gathered in kind tired kitchens, living room dark hiding carpets but not the smell from leaky toy poodle incontinence; shoulder-bent strangers make lounge hours together where radio dial glow makes hard shadows lighter than thousand pound questions like why don't they make blankets for thin skin shiverers or pretty jackets pull-able over warmer inside kind of durable instead of hugging greasy fat faces and stubby finger places reminding me that moving is sometimes like standing still, sometimes waiting, sometimes ending before the inevitable misrememberin'..
Sitting here in the orange of morning coming, blue-black cold colliding where I was only a little while ago in dreams dreaming I could do anything when I was younger and better at upright, fighting alright, needing to believe I can somehow get back to being just OK no matter how far I've come or gone or hope to belong, it's getting harder at pretending to be living when I've always been so much better a lover seeing, until now, this is all so very much wrong, coming and going in the same lines leading to never being here with the tears - when did I get so good at almost not quite never again?
Here in the waning years, October gone, November falling all around, December looms and voices collect on the news, me needing to warm up to wake up to get up so I can claw my way through to the middle of knowing I can do this again tomorrow only better, I can live again instead of all this dead kind of being, long gone from who I used to be when I thought I'd never be, this aging, this bent to breaking, the boy from all those years long gone who used to stand on ditch banks looking far away, lost in alfalfa fields and corn stalk scattered squares for rectangles, setting suns and blossoming orange mornings, I don't know where I've been or how I'm going to get away from knowing this is broken and it has to be different even knowing, deep down in my wounded all, I know what it has to be going on even if not long, now or maybe ever, dreaming and going to be.
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-52785458245448736192012-11-09T04:58:00.000-08:002012-11-09T04:58:47.918-08:00...No other outlet looks like this, no place to lay down, no way to make the air less uncomfortable, sand. In the having of no way of seeing, in the dark like kites and kittens and trees, like stray shards of clarity calling bottles and cans clattering, make-shift containers emptying, you are the lost, erect, the bludgeoned and bruised, the talk out loud noise desperate to be heard instead of knowing the truth: there in tall grass shadows in making believing you could have been catching instead of traffic signal heading for red, green, yellow, red gone instead of dead.
Wanting more doesn't make you more than anyone else running to catch up to running but, limbs don't work that way, you can't stay, I've been watching you leave since you got here even when I wanted you to stay. More than you is less than ever having had this escape clause space ship audible buzz, the rumble one more time when it was never all that inescapable, cemetery stones aren't for marking they're for saving, names in stone feel like we have a place to go when no one else will show, hallowed uprights spell nighttime culprits, you stole more than I had to offer, deep down, deeper still where these broken limbs make poor shadows pretending to be porch light, one more like last time, the old man's voice coming to chase you away but I can't even do remembering that right. Not any more. Not here without you.
When I want to go back there, gone to the really gone, I turn my dreams off, shut down the quiet that seems so silly, smudges in dark carpet of heel to toe might not show it but always seems to say it, tipping past crumpled beer bottles past potato bag chip might, lost when we're caught up in the illumination, same sort of reasoning, making forever last until there ain't no one left, except, nine months line lights up, what's a bastard anyway you ain't been waiting for, no place to lay down, no way to make the air less in my remembering.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-82969165080336139302011-04-23T13:57:00.001-07:002011-04-23T13:57:45.480-07:00It only hurts until you say goodbyeIt only hurts until you say goodbye<br />
<br />
That sort of nearby kind of I love you <br />
breathing a little air like daylight or some shit like that. <br />
It feels like forever-dreams you make when you’re twenty<br />
words that don’t add up the way your body changes shape <br />
words that don’t make barter with gravity <br />
with standing, face bright light-like photograph-white <br />
you can’t take back even if you wanted crippled legs<br />
no more standing <br />
no more doing a good job of pretending <br />
wet, the ruinous nature of years <br />
the ones that haven’t sucked you dry. <br />
<br />
In the morning, you whisper<br />
in the early unsettling<br />
it only hurts until you say goodbye <br />
or I love you.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-57359598110678914462011-01-28T00:08:00.000-08:002011-01-28T00:08:09.788-08:00long enoughThe stuff, it's out there, everywhere you look and smell, the sounds pushing against the windows or rattling beneath the floorboards of the old house. If I stop myself I can almost feel the wind moving through the trees, through the warped and stained slat fence where the neighbor kids have pushed the knot holes through and they're scattered like acorns in my lawn. I hit them from time to time with the lawnmower and they pulverize into dust that reminds me of sawing wood when I was a boy to build barns and sheds on the ranch where I grew up. It was damn hard work then. The kids use kitchen knives and spoons. I hear them like woodpeckers pop-pop-popping. <br />
<br />
The stuff, it's out there, the information, the words and ideas. It's out there and I just got to let go of my body long enough to realize it again.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-12964253891730174912010-12-03T11:03:00.000-08:002010-12-03T11:03:57.745-08:00/kəmˈpōZHər/Rain and wind greet me at the door, catch me off balance, give me pause. I see the yard, it hasn't changed, green and black figs like bloated pygmy heads dangle from stubby limbs, dog shit withers, the sun is no where in sight. I fight the urge to move, it's better that way, a chance to encounter upright, a way to breath again. I could be a thousand miles from here or less, maybe in the desert looking at all the stars, huddle too close to that camp fire that singed my pant bottoms, melted my shoes just a little. There are years between us now. That is where memory goes, behind and inside, elusive, unnecessary, a black and jagged shape dissecting the sky, a handful of stones and sticks, an album no one has seen but me since.<br />
<br />
Clearing the clutter I prepare myself with things, with things I dislike mostly, with things that I fear will remain a part of my slow and steady decline, things that dig in, bite, wound, things that no one should have to carry around with them. These load stones are gathered for me, around me, they root me to the ground and threaten to carry me away. I have no way of knowing what is just up ahead but it is there, a specter maybe, a faceless face with slits for eyes and the burden of tomorrow held up to the sky.<br />
<br />
I write this down in empty space and leave it like a tiny boat made from sticks and bubble gum wrappers. I leave it go in tall and crimson water, in all this absent place that falls like invisible wings of the dead and dying would refuse one more time to solidify.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-2510167492595166662010-12-02T16:29:00.000-08:002010-12-02T16:29:07.716-08:00It Doesn't Matter -- It Hasn't Mattered in a very long timeYou called and left a message on my phone. I knew it was you but I didn't answer. It was ten. I should have been asleep for an hour but then again, I should be a lot of things at that hour that I rarely am. And then I listened to your message.<br />
<br />
Who you hate?<br />
In the swamps, trying to make a life...3 bottles of wine. Where are you - I miss you. There is a farm here. A farm and a guest house in Uruguay and I'm finishing this film. It's called In Repose. No hope in California. I don't care if you're disappointed in me. <br />
<br />
Don't forget me.<br />
<br />
And then the message ended and I've never heard from you since.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-28860806864395764302010-10-25T14:32:00.001-07:002010-10-25T14:32:18.296-07:00something positiveI like to think of things in relationships like the line where earth and sky meet, the place along the shore where wet water meets dry sand and they push against one another to be the strongest to survive. I like to think about positive things but negative things are always nearby; the last five years have proven rocks to be the weight of forever on my shoulders and simple breath-like-smiles the stuff of dreams. But I’m prefacing again, side stepping again, looking for a way to make sense of my everyday dilemmas because no one else can. Maybe in the halving of my life between good and bad I should be better at letting go. Maybe conformity isn’t giving up like others give up to drudgery and lethargy. But for now I write about something positive, here like a school assignment I was never very good at.<br />
<br />
When I was in the third grade I remember sitting at the tall table in the kitchen of our ranch house and tracing the shapes of dinosaurs on paper too big for tiny hands. If I close my eyes I can almost feel the blue crayon between my stubby fingers filling an outline of long dead reptiles replicated by my mother’s hand. Mom encouraged me and my brother between puffs on a Raleigh cigarette that scored the room with blue and white tendrils caught by shafts of daylight. I think we had just returned from Florida two weeks prior and were still in the awkward phase of moving back in with my fathers parents; two families in one rundown house. That was thirty three years ago.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-36106455876488176662010-10-24T17:29:00.000-07:002010-10-24T17:29:23.084-07:00none of this would matter ever againI found the old house <br />
wiped the dreams from my eyes,<br />
tears still, hope tingling because I still couldn’t believe<br />
What I was being told was the immeasurable weight of breath, life.<br />
The trees were wet with morning, the grass <br />
bent over here and there with the impressions of footprints<br />
the footprints of strangers to and from the falling house. <br />
I searched the uniforms for names, searched the faces for someone familiar,<br />
someone who could tell me about the night – but no one came forward,<br />
no one explained to me that this was no temporary visit, they came<br />
for to ask questions and figure out what I already knew to be true – none<br />
of this would matter ever again.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36574521.post-76368867100072745982010-10-24T17:23:00.000-07:002010-10-24T17:25:00.102-07:00Blog Cabins: Movie Reviews and Commentary Made Fun: Fletch's Film Review: Toy Story 3<a href="http://blogcabins.blogspot.com/2010/10/fletchs-film-review-toy-story-3.html">Blog Cabins: Movie Reviews and Commentary Made Fun: Fletch's Film Review: Toy Story 3</a><br />
<br />
Found this, again, totally by the randomness of blog-hopping, I think I started at http://detailedcriticisms.blogspot.com/ <br />
<br />
anyway, great review. don't forget mine at http://rorydean.wordpress.com/2010/06/23/toy-story-3-from-past-to-present/Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0